Captain Planet and the Planeteers
21.03.02
klamkilla
Reaching back into the recesses of your mind I am sure you can all muster up a few vaguely remembered cartoons from your youth. These are the shows that while you cannot remember in great detail, you KNOW they existed. Usually you would set forth quite the effort just to watch these shows every weekday afternoon or on the fabled Saturday morning line-up. Whatever the case, these shows usually bring a resurgence of fond memories back into your bitter, cynical, twisted adult mind, and for the most part make you yearn for a chance to relive the days where your only concern was getting all the whistles in Mario 3.

One such show no doubt was Captain Planet and the Planeteers. Back in a day when the only message cartoons sent kids was that mutated turtles had the ability to fight robot ninjas while spouting out TOTALLY TUBULAR!!!!11 catch phrases, Captain Planet had a not so hidden agenda. Kids, the environment needs you.

Essentially Captain Planet served as a 24 minute long propaganda vehicle for the hippies that want to save the world but end up just smoking pot and smelling really bad.

Dealing with a diverse variety of topics that included every episode being about radioactive waste threatening some random ecosystem, Captain Planet was about the trials and tribulations of five teenagers drawn together by five rings. Each ring of course controlled an element. Before we continue, let’s take a moment to familiarize ourselves with these plucky teens with ‘tudes.

Take a look, it’s in a book, a READING RAINBOW!!!11


Yes Lavar, a man later to be accused of rape, did the voice of Kwame the African lad with the power of earth. Kwame was the leader of the group and he was also the most environmentally conscious of the bunch. Often times Wheeler would be doing something stupid like pouring a 6 pack of Drain-O into the ocean and then tossing the six pack ring in after he is done. It would be Kwame who set him straight by giving him a 12 minute long lecture on the evils of pollution. Then Wheeler would hit on him.

He possessed the power of earth, which meant he could do badass things like cause earthquakes, make quicksand, and control vines and plant growth. On a bad ass scale of 1 through 10 (one being super lame and 10 being totally sweet) Kwame would get a 9.

Now, it is understood that the writers had a racial profiling stereotype deal they needed to fill. Which would explain Kwame the African, Gi the Asian, Ma-Ti the South American, and Wheeler the American white kid. Linka on the other hand just does not make sense. She is of Russian decent I guess and she just kind of offsets the perfect racial balance. She was the tech whiz in the gang and could lend a helping hand whenever the teens got into some sort of cyber jam. Usually the object of which Wheeler made many many many of his sexual advances on (others being Gi, Captain Planet, trees, a pole, and a tractor). She had a whole sluttish, white trash, 80s porno flick look going on which certainly did not help.

Linka controlled the power of wind. She could create huge tornados and wind storms. This was a damn cool power.

I don’t remember much about Gi the Asian check on the show except that she was a marine biologist or something of the like and that her special power was the power to communicate with sea animals and control water.

Ma-Ti… Ma-ti… Ma-Ti. Where do I begin on this sorry excuse for a human being let alone a superhero. Ma-Ti was from the rain forests of South America so that obviously entitled him to having a monkey for a sidekick. No dear reader this was not your typical Mojo helper monkey (pray… for… Mojo) this was an annoying squeaking monkey. There seemed to be a hidden sexual bestiality undertone going on between Ma-Ti and the monkey although I will not get into that in this article.

Ma-Ti was cursed with heart which besides that one Wonder Twin that turned into a puddle, has to be the lamest power ever given to anyone in the history of ever. In the heat of battle against a radioactive sewer dweller, a radioactive alien, a radioactive Arab oil baron, or the hordes of other radioactive villains the Planeteers would face, while his comrades were kicking ass with fireballs, earthquakes, typhoons, and tornados; Ma-Ti could be seen sitting in the corner plotting out his revenge for having such a lame power. Essentially the power of heart gave Ma-Ti the ability to communicate with the other Planeteers over long distances. In other words… Ma-Ti could have easily had his whole job replaced by a cell phone. Plus with cell phones the kids would have looked OMG LIKE SOOOOO HOTT!!!11

Wheeler was the typical street smart, smart alec, no good American from Brooklyn. Now I’m not up on my street knowledge being from a suburban costal town, but I honestly do not think that a kid that wore skin tight jeans, a jacket with a picture of the Earth on the back of it, and had a flaming red mullet would survive a week let alone his entire life in Brooklyn. Wheeler was supposed to be the comic relief, but to be honest he ranks right behind Dave Coulier from Full House on the list of “people that aren’t funny even though they spend their whole lives trying to be…. ever”.

Wheeler went down as the kid that hit on everyone… and everything be it living, organic, machine, or miscellaneous. He was also the resident screw up and usually the Planeteer’s adventures were a result of one of his follies. Despite all of this, and despite that it usually did more harm than good, and in spite of the fact that his hair was red, they gave Wheeler the power of fire. Being the pyro freak that he was, Wheeler would always be accidentally starting trashcan fires or other such nonsense, it would be up to Gi to put it out and then administer the caning.

WHEN THEIR POWERS COMBINED HE WAS CAPTAIN PLANET! GOO PLANET!!!11 Captain Planet was the manifestation of the 5 rings when they combined their powers. He would come and dispel any threat that they would be facing making all of their previous efforts seem unimportant and useless in comparison. One interesting side note though was that this has to go down in the history of cartoons as the only show where a bad guy was never hurt. Planet would use a tornado to pick the bad guy up, lecture him, then let him go. This just seemed to make the evil doer more twisted and cynical because they were back next week with an even worse plan to get Planet and destroy the Earth.

Now that we have touched ground on all of the heroes, let’s do a run through of all of the villains I can remember (all two of them). There was Duke Nukem, coughlawsuitcough, and Looten Plunder. Now, if you had a baby boy and you wanted him to succeed in life what would you name him? Mike? Josh? Maybe even Bill? It just seems to me that naming your child Looten Plunder is an incredibly cruel thing to do. I mean he probably got beat up in school and made fun of for his name-that-describes-what-he-does thing he’s got going on. It’s like naming your kid Jeeves… you KNOW the only job he is going to get is that of a butler.

To conclude, what I am going to do is give a brief run down of what EVERY episode of Captain Planet ended up turning out like.


Wheeler: Hey Linka, you’re looking hot tonight.
Linka: Ugh shut up.
Wheeler: Would I impress you if I lit that pile of leaves on fire?
Linka: It didn’t work when you lit the hobo on fire and it’s not going to work now.
(Wheeler lights the leaves on fire)
Wheeler: Oh no the fire is getting unexpectedly out of control!
Gi: Ugh you big dumbass…
(Gi puts out the fire)
Gi: Time for your caning.
Kwame: First Gi, I need to lecture him on the importance of safety and the eco system and caring…
(10 minutes later)
Ma-Ti: Guys, come quick! A radioactive pirate is terrorizing downtown!
Kwame: Where have you been Ma-Ti?
Ma-Ti: Uhhh off with my monkey.
(The Planeteers race to the scene)
Wheeler: Woah this place is lit up like a Christmas tree!
Radioactive Pirate: Muahhahahaha you will never defeat my legion of radioactive pirates!
(Radioactive pirates come to attack)
Kwame: Let’s go guys!
Ma-Ti: Can I help?
Kwame: Shut up, sit in the corner, and wait for us to call you.
(They fight the pirates and win, but the big boss pirate is too much for them.)
Kwame: We need Captain Planet!
Kwame: EARTH!
Wheeler: FIRE!
Linka: WIND!
Gi: WATER!
Ma-Ti: Ugh… heart… I swear to god…
Captain Planet: By your powers combined I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!
(then Captain Planet pulls the boat into a whirlwind, lectures the pirate, and lets him sail away)
Captain Planet: We learned a lesson today… radiation is bad. Make of that what you will.
(Cue terrible end theme song that features the Planeteers rapping, but was later replaced with a terrible B-52's song)

 

 

 
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