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Written by: klamkilla
There are two things that I have been one-hundred percent sure of in my lifetime:
1: Contrary to popular belief, Shannon Doheretys eyes are indeed perpendicular to one another and its just an optical illusion.
2: AOL is indeed a tool of Satan sent to Earth to wreak havoc on anything and anyone foolish enough to welcome it into their homes... kind of like the Prime Minister of England... bastard always pushing me around... once I get my gun Ill show him a thing or two about guns...
Oh yes AOL, indeed the ISP of choice for every l33t hax0r who devotes their life to downloading fake nudes of Sarah Michelle Ghellar while sitting in their moms basements snacking on cheetos and downloading the NEW M0DZ0R FOR COUNTERSTRIKE!!!!11! That game rocks j00.
My qualms with AOL will lead me into 5 different directions over the course of this article. All five will be under a different über kewl bold header. Its called organization chump. Anyways, what this does is makes it easier for the intellectually challenged (the same people who couldnt navigate the main page of this site) to know when to stop reading, absorb what they have just read, and move on to the next section once they have fully grasped the information presented to them. It also succeeds in making me look like I know what the hell Im talking about.
Qualm 1: AOL Instant Messenger
Picture this, you pay the $9.99 to get HBO or Showtime or Cinemax or any of those pay channels that youre only going to end up watching at 3 AM because of the soft-core T&A flicks. You wait all day in anticipation to watch The Erotic Awakening of S or whatever the skin flick of the evening is only to find out its scrambled. Then to make matters worse, your best friend calls you up and tells you that theyre showing the same thing UNEDITED on TNT or some other nationally syndicated T.V. network. You got hosed Tommy, you got hosed bad.
This is EXACTLY what AOL does with its pay customers. Just replace the porno with their instant messenger service and you get the idea. Oh those cheap, freeloading bastards have it real good. Along with the ability to send and receive any kind of file, play games against each other, and use frickin' voice chat, I would be willing to bet that if the Earth were on the verge of nuclear destruction and AOL had a rocket ship that would jettison a select few off to safety those non-paying bastards would get top priority over us sucker subscribers.
Qualm 2: AOL Chat
In theory, chat is a great way to bring people together with the intent of exchanging ideas and ultimately making the world a better place for us all... in theory communism works. As a teenager I know that there is nothing more in life that I strive to find than a place where I can just you know... hang out! AOL provides several chat rooms tailored to my needs including Young Adult, NEW Young Adult, and OMG SO NEW Young Adult. They also let us, the chatters, create our OWN rooms dedicated to whatever RPG or boy band is popular at the moment. Hell, sometimes AOL users combine those two to create a SUPER chat room... the likes of which we have never seen.
Recently, I ventured into the chat room entitled Blink 182 with a simple game plan. I was going to ask people what had happened to my wallet and log their reactions. Keep in mind AOL chat has no logging feature so I had to manually copy and paste everything into a notepad myself... mans best friend my ass. Below is the word for word transcript from that fateful 9-1-1... err chat session.
OnlineHost: *** You are in "Arts and Entertainment - blink182". ***
DAlVllVlIT: u think i dont know what onomatopoeic means?
Jeter2182: yeah okay sure i do
UgLyliDdLeMuNkEy: REALLY LOL
NerdCoreRiot: Has anyone seen my wallet?
UgLyliDdLeMuNkEy: ya and my gram is good at riding scooters...for the record
Jeter2182: im sure
UgLyliDdLeMuNkEy: my grammy!!
BaSeGiRL425: hi wormie
Jeter2182: yeah okay
NerdCoreRiot: If one of you damn kids took it I swear to god...
UgLyliDdLeMuNkEy: i like wallets
Jeter2182: i like money
UgLyliDdLeMuNkEy: we dont care
Jeter2182: shut upo
NerdCoreRiot: Stealing my wallet is NOT cool
NerdCoreRiot: that does NOT rock!
Jeter2182: you a loser
Jeter2182: i ddint steal it
NerdCoreRiot: Then who did?
UgLyliDdLeMuNkEy: omg u r such a fucking whorebag
Jeter2182: the ugly monkey
UgLyliDdLeMuNkEy: no i didnt take it sir
Jeter2182: a whorebag
NerdCoreRiot: All I want is my wallet, not to be called names!
UgLyliDdLeMuNkEy: listen i didnt take yer damn wallet
UgLyliDdLeMuNkEy: system of a down rox
X stupid kid: heyy
NerdCoreRiot: I'm in the middle of an important experiment and I NEED my wallet!
DAlVllVlIT: im going to rape someone
DAlVllVlIT: right now
DAlVllVlIT: in the ass
UgLyliDdLeMuNkEy: hey its ashley!!!
X stupid kid: ;]]
UgLyliDdLeMuNkEy: did u wash yer body parts?
BaSeGiRL425: hey stupid i love you
X stupid kid: --hides from dammit--
X stupid kid: yes i did.
DAlVllVlIT: who shall be my first victem?
X stupid kid: uh...fuck off base.
UgLyliDdLeMuNkEy: not me~
UgLyliDdLeMuNkEy: ::hides in a dark corner:: ::preferably mcdonalds bathroom::
*Cue Wonder Years voice over soliloquy thing.
Although none of us said anything, we all knew that we were closer to each other that night than we had ever been before. It was an experience that had changed our lives forever and none of us would ever be the same.
Qualm 3: User Profiles
By far the most inane aspect of the AOL experience would have to be the user created profiles. Oh the comedy that can be derived from these nonsensical piles of drivel. You see, AOL has a short list of pre-selected questions and what they do to spark user creativity is allow AOL members LIKE U AND ME!!1 to answer as we see fit.
After browsing through what seemed like umpteen thousand user profiles, I have compiled what is in essence the ULTIMATE AOL user profile.
Profile For: XxSeXXyGrrl6969xX
Member Name: Thats 4 me 2 kno and 4 u 2 find out :) :) :)
Location: Im my room in my house in my town in my state in my country in my continent in my planet in my solar system in my galaxy in my universe rotfl!!1
Sex: Yes plz LOLOLOL
Marital Status: Lookin 4 a HOTT guy do U kno 1??/
Hobbies: Cheerleading and goin 2 sum krazy partys and hangin wit my gurrls WUZ UP TD PA SK EL MN BR 2 NE1 I 4GOT U KNO I LUV U!!1
Computer Owned: TEH 1 IM TYPING THIS FROM OMG LOL ROFL!!1
Occupation: 100% full time slacker
Personal Quote: KRAZY NITE AT STACYS look out 4 teh door!!1 moms commin put the toys away LOLOLOL if ur 7:30 then ur KrAzY
Now, I would take this chance at self-expression and write something so prolific that it would leave other AOL users staring blankly at their monitors questioning the very bane of their existence. Unfortunately, the average AOL user is a drooling, monosyllabic, moronic, fourteen year old girl. What this translates into is one steaming pile of tripe after another telling the world how cool cheerleading and the new Jay-Z song are.
If I may digress for a moment, I would just like to point out that if rap has taught me anything else which it hasnt its that all black men do is get high and fuck loose women up the ass in the back of their oversized SUV while seven of their homies cheer them on... I swear to god, great men like Martin Luther King Jr. spent their whole lives fighting for racial equality only to have some assclown driving a benz and wearing a gold chain set back the WHOLE civil rights movement by about 30 years.
Qualm 4: Youve Got Mail
Dear big dumb bastard who thought it would be a good idea to use AOL as your ISP,
You have just been chosen as the winner of $1,000,000. Also we would like to award you with the keys to the Bat Mobile and one night with TVs Jessica Alba. All you have to do to win this prize package is reply to this mail in exactly one week.
Oh wait youre on AOL you stupid, stupid bastard. Your mail will be deleted in four days. Oh well, Im sure theres a whole line of horny fourteen year old boys with nothing better to do on Friday night than watch FOX who would LOOOOOOOOVE to win this prize.
The Hotmail Staff
Youve Got Mail... no not the delightfully charming major motion picture starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan either. That is the quip that chimes EVERY time one logs on to AOL.
AOL mailboxes are like a magnet for obscure pornography mail masked as letters from your long lost brother or that girl from high school that you had a crush on but she was too busy fucking the captain of the football team while you sat out in gym class and drew the logos to your favorite death metal bands on your Trapper Keeper. Chicks dig Satan.
Here is my favorite porno ad masked as a letter from my dying mother even though she lives in the same house as me and the only computer we own is in my room and Ill be damned if shes going to use it to send me an e-mail from her on her death bed. All of my comments are in italics to make it easier on everyone else.
My moms name isnt Jenn and I wouldnt consider her sexxy either... although with that there American Pie movie making such a splash with the kids nowadays we all know theres NOTHING hotter than a MILF a.k.a. forty year old women with saggy boobs and stretch marks.
Subject: Its your mother NerdCoreRiot. I havent talked to you in so long... click here!
They hit it right on the head with this one... my mom DOES in fact call me NerdCoreRiot... either that or Justin. Damn ma, its 10:30 P.M. Has it been that long since dinner?
So, being the sucker I am, I click the mail to open it and see what it is...
CLICK HERE 4 HOTT HORNY 18/F BARELY LEGAL LIVE WEBCAMS NO CREDIT CARD NEEDED CLICK NOW!!1!11!~@@
Damnit, dont I feel like quite the fool... AOL got me again.
Qualm 5: My Own Stupidity
Yes, Im sure that by now our more astute readers will have figured out that I do in fact use AOL. Although that seems a bit illogical based on the fact that I just spent the last four and a half pages spouting off at the finger about how lame it is, I do have my reasons...
1: My siblings are complete idiots. I could have sworn that kids practically raise themselves what with the internet and all, but if I were to cancel AOL my 10 year old sister would have no clue as to how to access barbie.com or any of the other mind numbingly lame sites she frequents (www.nbrid.net).
2: The most clichéd reason for why any AOL user remains a subscriber... my mom pays for it. As long as I dont have to spend one red cent on this, I feel I have the right to badmouth it till the tips of my fingers go numb an...
Well there you have it, I hope none of you have to go through the ordeal I have had to go through... Hey look, I made it through the whole article without calling it GAYOL, AOHELL, or AOSMELL... dammit.