NBrid

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Written by: Hybrid

Over the last decade, man has been searching the mysterious islands that surround the Mario Universe. Only now have we pieced together a small amount of what appears to be diary entries. Although not as significant as Ann Frank, they are much more interesting. Scientitions still have not deciphered the name on the cover of this diary but for the sake of name alone, we have code-named these entries the “Bowser Diaries.” The following is a few sheets we have restored for research purposes. Even though this information is confidential, they don’t pay me so why the hell would I care if you read it?





March 19th, 1991.



Dear Diary. It’s me, Batman. After 4 hours on the hooch, I’ve decided to marry that Princess again. I just find her attractive. Don’t judge me! I figured it out. I’ll sneak up on her while she’s on vacation at Dynoss Oar Island. I already turned the Club Med into a swingin dance club. Hell, I got this big sign that says “Bowser” on it. It’s a little confusing to get around the place but once you know your way around, it’s a breeze. I hope that fat-ass Mario doesn’t go with her. What’s up with having an M on his hat? And what’s up with Luigi? Is he going out with Toad or does he just tag along all the time? Well it won’t be like last year…oh no it won’t. I got rid of that outcast child of mine, Murphey Koopa. How could he leave his clarinets lying around my vast, vast, VAST worlds of slightly increasing difficulty? Or were they flutes? In any case, we won’t have to worry about any more flying Mario’s now that fall is over. How else could he possibly fly? Diary, remind me to never let my kids do a man’s job from now on. If for some reason Mario does show up on the island, I’ll think of something.



April 2nd, 1991.



Awe man diary, you’re not gonna believe this but this morning I saw Ronald Regan fly by in a helicopter! Oh I have devised a plan to truly punish that princess for not dancing with me at Wart’s box social. I’m locking her up in my dance club! Hell, I turned it into a castle and installed about 8 major chains around the island, not to mention some smaller castles and small mansions. I put my kids in charge of those major chains. They have to learn some responsibility some day!

As I mentioned the other day, Mario DID come with the Princess and yes, gay Luigi dragged his ass along as well. This morning, I caught the brothers playing some Tennis on Yoshi’s Island today. BLARING Duran Duran! I swear, someone has to teach these guys a lesson about respect. Ok you caught me; I’m devising a new plan. This one can’t lose! I’m really going to spend a lot of time on planning it all out this time so I might not write in my Diary for a while.



April 3rd, 1991.



Diary, I am a genius. First, I nixed my former plans of disposing of those Yoshi eggs and instead am going to randomly distribute his eggs in convenient locations

around the island. Next I’m going to make huge bottomless ditches all over the island and in certain cases, hide something I like to call a “P” balloon so he will float away forever. Mwahahaha, just thinking about the look on his face as he curls over in pain because of all that bloating…Hmm now that I think of it, he may not go for this death balloon so easily. But of course, I think of everything. I’ll create different kinds of item blocks that will power him up in some shape or form but eventually…DEATH BALLOON! Maybe if I arrange his power-ups in a linear, repeating pattern, he won’t realize he has to hit the flower to get the cape. Ahh yes, then I won’t have to watch Mario’s pathetic attempts at trying to fly with a lousy cape. Finally, I have created a new kind of block that can only be penetrated by some kind of spin drill type jump move and there is no WAY Mario has ever done that before.



April 8th, 1991.



They’re here Diary! My 80 million koopas have arrived fresh from the orphanage! It’s time to arrange them in a manner that will cause them all to get knocked over once one is hit. I really wish they would do more than walk side to side. I have a good feeling that Mario will have quite a bit of trouble navigating through my forest of illusion. There’s no way to get rid of those trees. Oh by the way, I forgot to fund those mansions and everyone inside them died of starvation and their spirits now haunt them. It’s funny how almost all the ghosts look the same except for that big Marlon Brando ghost on the western coast. If worst comes to worst, my kids will call on me when Mario breaks their defenses. It’s not like they’re stranded on a floating ship this time around. They have plenty of guards and monkey butlers to protect them. I just wish they didn’t hire the drones that attack in patterns. Well, better get back to doing secret things to Princess that no one has ever known about whenever I have captured her.



May 12th, 1991.



I don’t believe it. How could Luigi jump that gap but Mario couldn’t? Maybe I underestimated him. Today I overheard Mario in my 6th castle saying something about how my defense system is crappy and I should have used a turret gun or something. Does he take me for a fool? Then again, he seems to know that suspicious rock formation around the secret entrance to my night club is a…secret entrance to my night club. Therefore, I have begun work on a fiendish device that is sure to stop Mario in his tracks. This hovercraft holds not only 18 enormous bowling balls, but has compartments for me, the princess, a few drones, a mushroom, and a mini bar. I call it “The Phanto.” I sent away for skull and crossbones decals a couple weeks ago and Princess is bringing in my mail today. I can’t wait to see how they look! Awe I can’t wait, I gotta see it now!



May 13th, 1991.



Next time, I’m going to hit the Princess where she lives. Her home? Precisely. Well at least I can take some satisfaction in the fact that that wiener Luigi didn’t defeat me. To make matters worse, one of my soldiers ran off to join some fruity race with Mario and all his buddies. Hmm, actually that sounds like fun.