Black Hole 4.0: Now with 52% More Bull
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Written by: DarkWadeX
How is it going people? I have decided to take MrBot's
advice and put down my harmonica and bring you a
new Hole. This one is so good, maybe someone will read
it. [Here is hoping!] Well tonight I present a one on
one interview with a true legend of gaming. So please
welcome an innovator of side scrolling, Mega Man.
MegaMan: Nice to be here Wade.
Wade: Well Mega, it is great to have you. You have had
a long and historic career spanning almost 17 years,
how does that make you feel?
MM: It makes me feel great Wade. Few characters get to
make one sequel, let alone as many as I have.
Wade: Your body of work is very impressive.
MM: I do have a cute ass, don't I?
Wade: Umm..... I meant your career has been
MM: Indeed it has! I have never made a bad game,
unlike the golden child Mario.
Wade: That isn't entirely true, Mega. Need I mention
MM: How DARE you mention that game! I have made it
very clear that, that game was made during a time that
I was fighting my addiction to painkillers.
Wade: Of course. As I briefly mentioned in the intro,
you made many innovations in the realm of
sidescrollers. Where did you get the idea to make
MM: It was the day I got NES. It came with Super Mario Bros.
and I felt the game was missing something. So later
playing, I watched the 6 o'clock news and it came to
me. After watching a story on a group of people being
horribly mutilated by a madman with a gun I thought,
"People like guns". I mean the most popular movies
have guns in them, so I thought why not make a game but
not just ANY game..... a game with guns!!! But not
only a gun but a hero with a gun for an arm! A few
days later as I was making love to my girlfirend
Roll, she said, "C'mon my funky Mega Man!!!" And the
rest is history.
Wade: Hmm....er. Well Mega that was a great story.
Another interesting thing about your games was the
names of the villains, how did you consistently make
MM: The villain names came from everyday life. For
example, one day in the PigglyWiggly I saw a woman
with humongous melons, since there was 2 I thought
Wade: Great, any other stories come to mind?
MM: Well one day I was watching Martha Stewart and I
looked down and BOOM! WoodMan was born!
Wade: Oh My God..... changing the subject... After 6
games on NES you made the leap to SNES with the MMX
series, why change the series?
MM: Actually it wasn't our choice. Dr Wily was busted
for molesting Chairy, the talking chair from the
Peewee Herman show. After that we determined this gave
us the perfect opportunity to revamp the series, plus
the fact shooting an old man in the ass with my gun
was getting old.
Wade: Of course, at this time you underwent a big
breakup with Capcom over their choice to get a new and
younger person to play X.
MM: Basically Capcom stabbed me in the back. MMX was
MY idea. I came up with every detail and one day when
I came to work they told me I had been replaced!
Wade: How did it feel to have your work stolen from
MM: It pissed me off that is what it did! I built
Capcom, not Street Fighter and not Darkwing Duck. It was
Wade: Well what happened after your firing?
MM: I got involved with many things I am not proud
of.... I developed many addictions and ultimately
became a pimp.
Wade: A pimp?
MM: Yes but it didn't last long. A 4 foot man in blue
spandex with a gun for an arm doesn't get much respect.
Wade: After your failure as a pimp what did you do?
MM: I hit rockbottom. I ended up working on the
corner for 3 cents. But luckily a friend came to my
Wade: Who was that?
MM: Dr. Wily. After getting his penchant for molesting
talking furniture out of his system he built a
successful career making straw hats in Amish country. I
will never forget that day. An old man stopped beside
me and as I looked up, there he was. He took me to his
log cabin in Ohio and gave me a job. That helped me
begin the long road to recovery.
Wade: That is a great story Mega. Tell us about your
MM: Sure. After 3 years in Amish country, I woke up
one day to see a Capcom rep at the door. He said that
they wanted a new MM game. I was excited that I had
been given a 2nd chance at life, a 2nd chance to make
the most of life!!!
Wade: And Mega Man 8 was a big success and you lived
happily ever after right?
MM: No, it was a flop. Capcom sued my ass, Wily was
caught f***in a cartoon recliner that was in a LazE
Boy commercial, and I got readdicted to
painkillers...... Hey wanna get your pipes cleaned?
Wade: ....er... no thanks. This might be a good time to
say goodnight and I will see you next time!